Seeking & Finding

I'm going to be honest with you about something:  I have a slight fear of being 'alone' for the rest of my life.  It's not an overbearing thought nor is it a thought that constantly plagues me.  But it is something that I think about from time to time.  And sometimes I even pray for God to send me someone.

So this morning, as I was preparing for my day, I started thinking about this.  The thought popped into my head that I should just stop thinking about it.  After all, it's usually when you least expect it the God sends you someone, right?  Chuck Testa.   I have heard this a thousand times and I decided today that I disagree with this sentiment.

Before I explain to you why I feel this way, let's make sure that I am clear about a couple of things.  First of all, Jesus Christ is at the center of my focus.  I desire to follow God's will for my life.  In following His will, the top priority for me is to be the best father that I can be for my daughter.  After that, I have been called to ministry and am also focused on the matters of this calling.  Lastly, there are other matters that also have priority.  So finding a wife is not even on my radar at the moment.  Pretty much long range sensors only.  I'm not ruling out any possibilities that may arise, however.

I just lost the game.

Let's get on with it...

Like I've said, I've heard it a thousand times: "Stop looking.  God will send you someone when you least expect it."  The main issue that I have with this is that there is nothing in the Bible that supports this thought (I welcome your disagreement).  In fact, it is mostly to the contrary:  If you want a wife, then you seek a wife, and then you find a wife.  I was first reminded of Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

And also Proverbs 31:10, "A wife of noble character who can find?"

We also read in Genesis 24 of how Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac.

Interesting, right?  I mean, think about it.  To find something typically means that you have to look for something.  I guess it's possible to find something that you're not looking for, but that can only mean two things.  Either the item you found wasn't yours and should be returned to the person it belongs to, or you really don't care that much about whatever it was because you didn't realize that you should have been looking for it in the first place. (my apologies for the run-on. I'm tired)

I'll wrap it up by saying that I am not actively looking, but I am looking.  Big deal.  If I find a wife, then great.  If not, well at least I'll not have wasted much of my time.  And who knows, maybe I don't even qualify for a second chance -- I'm learning to be ok with that.

An Open Letter to My Future Wife

You might be saying to yourself, "Self, is Brent serious?".  You can respond to yourself with a definite yes.

The past few days and even months have caused me to think about certain things and I feel that this is the proper avenue of sharing these thoughts.

Mind you, I may never get remarried and I'm ok with that.  But if I do, I think it's important for my future wife to know some things about me. So here it goes:

Dear Future Wife,
I know that you are beautiful in every way and that you are a daughter of God.  I also know that you are full of the Holy Spirit.  You're heart is open to the poor and needy. You have strength and dignity, but you know when to laugh. You are wise in your words but you speak in kindness.

I could go on, but there are a few things that'd I'd like for you to know about me:

First of all, I was created by God for a purpose.  Through the course of my life, I've tried to please God and walk the path that He has set out for me.  Along the way, I have made some mistakes.  However, God has been good to me and has allowed me to learn from these mistakes.  I have learned the lesson to chose carefully and be patient.

There are things that you need to know about me before you choose me.  There is nothing shocking or crazy in what is stated below.  I just need you to know what I am passionate about and I need you to accept these things and be willing to encourage me in these matters.

First of all, I have a daughter who is my princess and she means the world to me.  Please know that this will not be a contest of who I love the most.  There are different areas of my heart dedicated to different things.  I will not make you compete for attention, nor will I do the same to her.  I expect that you can love my daughter as your own child and welcome her into your heart unconditionally.

Secondly, you must know that I have a calling from God to minister His Word to others.  I am not a man that desires financial wealth or lots of nice things.  I may not always be able to give you what you want but I promise to provide for your needs, not only financially but also emotionally.  Things may get tough but we must rely on God to guide us in our decisions.

Because I have a calling from God, I want you to know that I am passionate about what I do.  My heart beats to see the live's of people changed by God.  I am an instrument for that purpose.  I know you are the same way.  Some days, it may seem like my mind is far from you and that I am consumed with the things I am involved with with.  But I promise you that, as long as God is at the center of our lives, you will be the first person that I think of when I wake up, and the last person that I think of before I sleep.  I will not put our ministry or job above our marriage.

I guarantee that there will be days that I will be stupid and you will want to punch me in the face.  But I know that you will extend grace and mercy to me and realize that I am not perfect.  I am a work in progress.  I promise to hold you in the same regard.

Lastly, I promise to love you just because.  Not because I have fallen in love with you, but because I choose to love you.  So if you ask me why I love you, the answer will always be "because I want to."  All I ask is that you return the favor.

Your's truly,
Brent

Open Box

Think upon the following analogy:  It is a retail analogy in which God owns a store that humans are bought with a currency called love.  The product (you) determines it's own pricing.  You get to tell people how much love you want in order to make the purchase.  Also consider that people have "love credit cards" that have been issued by society and make the claim that you can pay for something with the love that you do not have and slowly repay that love over time (but in the end, you'll spend more than you wanted to and will most likely end up broke because of it).

I want you to know that I am an open box product.  This means that someone took me home, opened me up, took out all the pieces, and tried to make me work.  Once they realized that I was not the product that they wanted, they tried to repackage me and return me to the place where they picked me up.  If you have ever worked in retail, you know that customers are the worst at repackaging things.

The proprietor of the store not only knows that the return policy is unconditional, but He also knows exactly how to put the pieces back into the box.  As I am properly repackaged, the observation is made that there are a few pieces missing.  Knowing that the unit is still operational, God carefully continues to repackage me without the original pieces in place.  Some pieces can be remanufactured and added to the package, but some cannot.

Typically, open boxed products are placed with a label stating this fact, and they are reduced in price.  I tell myself that I don't expect as much in payment from the next buyer, but that I will not accept credit.

I may sit on the shelf for the rest of my life, or someone might come for me tomorrow.  Either way, I am content to wait patiently.

Disobedience, Mercy, Disobedience

When I was in high school, I once disobeyed my father because I had made a commitment that I didn't want to break.  I had given someone my word and I felt very strongly that if I were to break my commitment then it would mean that I could not be trusted. So I disobeyed my father.

He had grounded me and I'm not even sure what for.  One of the things that bugged me was that he knew that I had made a commitment and even had given his ok.  Even so, he proceeded to ground me, which I deserved, but I didn't understand why he was asking me to break my commitment.  So on the day that I was to be grounded, I was instructed to come straight home from school.  The thing I had committed to wasn't for a few hours later, so I actually stayed at school and waited until I was needed.

When I got home later that evening, you could believe that my father was upset - and rightfully so.  We had a decent discussion about this, and I'm not even sure what the compounding punishment became, but there was something that he told me that stuck with me.  He told me that even while he had grounded me, he was still going to allow me to make my commitment.  It puzzled me as to why he couldn't have just mentioned that in the first place.

I never asked him about that.  I should have, but I never did.  It took me about 15 years to understand the lesson that my father was trying to teach me.

You see, after I had been disobedient, my father grounded me, but is was as if his method of punishment was allowing me to redeem myself.  Had I come home after school, all would have been well.  When I didn't come home, it showed a complete lack of trust and obedience on my part.

Now I'm reminded about God and how we are instructed about matters of obedience.  How many times have I disobeyed God?  How many times has He given me a second chance?  And how many times have I squandered that second chance?

Sometimes, we think that the punishment for our actions is unfair.  We fail to see that the consequences that we face are often times chances at redemption.  So instead of going the way we should, we take our own path, only to find that the road would have been easier if we had just listened to the instructions given to us.

Have you ever done anything like this?

Passed Judgment

If you are someone that looked forward to reading my blog posts, I apologize to the two of you.  For the rest, just pretend that I have been updating this blog every week and that you just now stumbled upon it.  Also, I just want to let my mom know that I'm still alive.  I'm not doing drugs, I haven't strayed from the Lord, and I still have a very stable job.  I've gained a few pounds, but I'm going to work those off within the next few months.  So overall, I'm doing well.

Today I went to church.  This is quite a journey for me (it takes me 1.5 hours to get there), and some weeks I just don't want to get into the car and drive.  But to be honest with you, after service every week, I'm glad that I make it to church.  It seems that God always has something to say to me, whether or not it was part of the pastor's message.  Hold on to this thought; I'm going somewhere with it.

Do you ever have a fear of what people think of you?  I think everyone does.  And if you say you don't, you're lying.  EVERYONE wants at least SOMEONE to like them.  Most people want a few people to like them.  And there are a number of people that want EVERYONE to like them.  For those of you in the latter group, please get a grip on reality.  It's not possible.

If you're anything like me, you think constantly about what people think of you.  It may not seem like it sometimes, but I care.  Even though I've been told that I have an IDGAF "I don't care what you think" attitude, I certainly do care.  See there, I crossed out that acronym above, because I know my mom might be reading, and I care about what she thinks.  On the other hand, I left it there.Why?  Because IDG.... oh never mind.

For the majority of my life, I've been trying to do what is right in man's eyes.  Even though I was a trouble maker at times, I always wanted to be a good kid, a good guy, down on the inside of me.  I've never done drugs, I've never drank (some people are surprised about that).  I've always made a point to go to church.  I've done my best to do the ethical thing.  Sure, I've had my share of mistakes, but for the most part I've been pretty straight edge.

As I walked into church today, I had an extra feeling of "what will people think of me."  I know where it was rooted, and it didn't really make a difference about where this thought was coming from.  It was there and it was strong.  During the message, Pastor Steve started talking about how we were all layers, like Shrek and onions and Russian Matryoshka dolls.  He said that there are certain layers of ourselves that NO ONE will ever see.  No one except for God, of course.

I started thinking about this and I was struck by a thought.  It was a thought that I hope to be life changing, but we have yet to see.  It occurred to me that I don't need to worry about what people think of me.  I need to be worried about what God thinks of me.  I know that I've heard this at least a thousand times in Sunday School, in sermons, and at weekly Bible studies.  But there are just somethings that you don't really get until it hits you in the face.

I'm not going to worry anymore about people passing judgment on my life.  I won't be upset, I won't be angry, and I won't be sad.  If anything, I might feel sorry (that's another blog for another day).  I honestly think that we could all be better off if we worried less about man's judgement and worried more about God's judgement.  The Lord knows your heart.  He knows where you stand.  Don't let your life get weighted down by trying to impress everyone in the world. And as Pastor Steve put it so well, "Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you were today."

The Follow Up

So here I am, installing Windows on VMware.  Browsing the internet for something to do, I clicked on a link in my bookmark bar that I haven't been to for awhile.  For your enjoyment: psthelinenkeeper.tumblr.com

Please make sure to subscribe.  Maybe if you do, the authors would post more.  I know I would (or at least I'd have intentions to post more).

I then took a look at some of my past posts and one caught my eye. I began to read it.  Feel free to read it yourself if you haven't already: Good Grades.

After reading that post I was surprised, and almost shocked.  I will tell you why in moment.  If any of you know me closely, you know what kind of a thrill ride that my life has taken me on in the last year and a half.  Some of it brought onto myself, some brought on by others, and some I think might just be God doing what He does.  If you don't know me, that's okay.  Just understand that my path has been crazy, and I am still trying to work things out.

As I got down to the last two paragraphs there were some things that began to occur to me.  Some of the things that have happened recently gained a little bit of meaning.  Mind you, it didn't bring me a whole lot of clarity, but it did bring a little bit of understanding.

The words that I had written down in December of 2011 suddenly came back to me.  They were words that suddenly came up and hit me in the face.  At first thought, I wondered if it was even me who typed those words on a page.  But as I thought and read, I was reminded of when and where I was when those words were slated.

It was Christmas season.  I was working diligently on directing my first Christmas production without a guide to go by.  Because of this I found myself praying a little bit more than I had in the past.  In fact, I had gotten into a morning routine that included prayer and Bible reading.  You might think that this should be normal for a certified minister, but I was guilty of procrastination.  It used to be that I would put off my reading until I had a quiet time.  Well, that rarely happened.

Getting back on track:
I was very diligent about my new routine. I would get up, make coffee, read, and then pray.  I made this my habit for the next several months.  However, there came a time when life changed.  It seemed like everything I had and everything that I had worked on was snatched from my grasp.  It was as though someone was telling me that I couldn't have THAT life anymore.  It wasn't for me and I had to figure out something else.

So I went on with life, trying to keep my head high.  I fell away from my routine of prayer and reading.  I even eventually stopped going to church.  This was mainly because I work on Sundays, but aside from that I almost didn't care.  It wasn't up until recently, when I moved to Las Vegas, that my work schedule allowed me to attend church.  I'm thankful for the schedule that I have and I'm thankful that I have found a church to call home.

As far as my spiritual life goes,  I'm working on getting back on the right track, but I'm far from being where I need to be.  Thank God for timely reminders.  Thank God that He can remind us of words that we spoke, even years before:

How many "Christians" believe that God should reward them for good behavior?  I used to be one of those people that thought that just doing good things and loving God was going to be enough.  But why should we get rewards for being good citizens? Just because we go to church once a week, or sing in the choir, or help in the nursery doesn't mean we are doing what God wants for us.  Before you get upset, remember that I am speaking to myself as well.  I want to be more than just a good Christian. It's hard, but that's what I want.  Someday I would like to hear the Lord say, "Good job, Brent.  You did more for me than what everyone else expected."  Not because I want to be better than everyone else, but because I want to fulfill the calling on my life.  

I woke up with a thought in my head, and wrote it down (I think I can write a song about this). As I was praying this morning, I told God that "my purpose is to declare that You are Lord."  It's more than just existing.  What's your purpose?

It was like a cold glass of water thrown in my face.  It was almost as if God had issued a reminder and then continued on to issue a challenge.  It was if He was saying, "Prove it, Brent."

So here I am again, asking myself what my purpose is. But now I ask myself an even tougher question: What are you going to do about it?

Questions

Have you ever felt that you were special?  That you were meant for something greater?  Is this a feeling that everyone has?  Or is it just some of us?

What happens when that feeling goes away?  What then?  Do you just go on to live a mediocre life?  Do you stop trying to achieve?  Does it even matter?

I mean, everything happens for a reason, right?  God has the whole world in His hands, right?  Isn't He the one who controls the universe?  Didn't He put things into motion?  He knew my name before I was born didn't He?

Well then, whats the point of trying to be something great?  Why not just live your life and just see how it turns out?  Why not just let things take their course?  Why try to change the outcome?

Why?

I don't know.