Passed Judgment

If you are someone that looked forward to reading my blog posts, I apologize to the two of you.  For the rest, just pretend that I have been updating this blog every week and that you just now stumbled upon it.  Also, I just want to let my mom know that I'm still alive.  I'm not doing drugs, I haven't strayed from the Lord, and I still have a very stable job.  I've gained a few pounds, but I'm going to work those off within the next few months.  So overall, I'm doing well.

Today I went to church.  This is quite a journey for me (it takes me 1.5 hours to get there), and some weeks I just don't want to get into the car and drive.  But to be honest with you, after service every week, I'm glad that I make it to church.  It seems that God always has something to say to me, whether or not it was part of the pastor's message.  Hold on to this thought; I'm going somewhere with it.

Do you ever have a fear of what people think of you?  I think everyone does.  And if you say you don't, you're lying.  EVERYONE wants at least SOMEONE to like them.  Most people want a few people to like them.  And there are a number of people that want EVERYONE to like them.  For those of you in the latter group, please get a grip on reality.  It's not possible.

If you're anything like me, you think constantly about what people think of you.  It may not seem like it sometimes, but I care.  Even though I've been told that I have an IDGAF "I don't care what you think" attitude, I certainly do care.  See there, I crossed out that acronym above, because I know my mom might be reading, and I care about what she thinks.  On the other hand, I left it there.Why?  Because IDG.... oh never mind.

For the majority of my life, I've been trying to do what is right in man's eyes.  Even though I was a trouble maker at times, I always wanted to be a good kid, a good guy, down on the inside of me.  I've never done drugs, I've never drank (some people are surprised about that).  I've always made a point to go to church.  I've done my best to do the ethical thing.  Sure, I've had my share of mistakes, but for the most part I've been pretty straight edge.

As I walked into church today, I had an extra feeling of "what will people think of me."  I know where it was rooted, and it didn't really make a difference about where this thought was coming from.  It was there and it was strong.  During the message, Pastor Steve started talking about how we were all layers, like Shrek and onions and Russian Matryoshka dolls.  He said that there are certain layers of ourselves that NO ONE will ever see.  No one except for God, of course.

I started thinking about this and I was struck by a thought.  It was a thought that I hope to be life changing, but we have yet to see.  It occurred to me that I don't need to worry about what people think of me.  I need to be worried about what God thinks of me.  I know that I've heard this at least a thousand times in Sunday School, in sermons, and at weekly Bible studies.  But there are just somethings that you don't really get until it hits you in the face.

I'm not going to worry anymore about people passing judgment on my life.  I won't be upset, I won't be angry, and I won't be sad.  If anything, I might feel sorry (that's another blog for another day).  I honestly think that we could all be better off if we worried less about man's judgement and worried more about God's judgement.  The Lord knows your heart.  He knows where you stand.  Don't let your life get weighted down by trying to impress everyone in the world. And as Pastor Steve put it so well, "Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you were today."

The Follow Up

So here I am, installing Windows on VMware.  Browsing the internet for something to do, I clicked on a link in my bookmark bar that I haven't been to for awhile.  For your enjoyment: psthelinenkeeper.tumblr.com

Please make sure to subscribe.  Maybe if you do, the authors would post more.  I know I would (or at least I'd have intentions to post more).

I then took a look at some of my past posts and one caught my eye. I began to read it.  Feel free to read it yourself if you haven't already: Good Grades.

After reading that post I was surprised, and almost shocked.  I will tell you why in moment.  If any of you know me closely, you know what kind of a thrill ride that my life has taken me on in the last year and a half.  Some of it brought onto myself, some brought on by others, and some I think might just be God doing what He does.  If you don't know me, that's okay.  Just understand that my path has been crazy, and I am still trying to work things out.

As I got down to the last two paragraphs there were some things that began to occur to me.  Some of the things that have happened recently gained a little bit of meaning.  Mind you, it didn't bring me a whole lot of clarity, but it did bring a little bit of understanding.

The words that I had written down in December of 2011 suddenly came back to me.  They were words that suddenly came up and hit me in the face.  At first thought, I wondered if it was even me who typed those words on a page.  But as I thought and read, I was reminded of when and where I was when those words were slated.

It was Christmas season.  I was working diligently on directing my first Christmas production without a guide to go by.  Because of this I found myself praying a little bit more than I had in the past.  In fact, I had gotten into a morning routine that included prayer and Bible reading.  You might think that this should be normal for a certified minister, but I was guilty of procrastination.  It used to be that I would put off my reading until I had a quiet time.  Well, that rarely happened.

Getting back on track:
I was very diligent about my new routine. I would get up, make coffee, read, and then pray.  I made this my habit for the next several months.  However, there came a time when life changed.  It seemed like everything I had and everything that I had worked on was snatched from my grasp.  It was as though someone was telling me that I couldn't have THAT life anymore.  It wasn't for me and I had to figure out something else.

So I went on with life, trying to keep my head high.  I fell away from my routine of prayer and reading.  I even eventually stopped going to church.  This was mainly because I work on Sundays, but aside from that I almost didn't care.  It wasn't up until recently, when I moved to Las Vegas, that my work schedule allowed me to attend church.  I'm thankful for the schedule that I have and I'm thankful that I have found a church to call home.

As far as my spiritual life goes,  I'm working on getting back on the right track, but I'm far from being where I need to be.  Thank God for timely reminders.  Thank God that He can remind us of words that we spoke, even years before:

How many "Christians" believe that God should reward them for good behavior?  I used to be one of those people that thought that just doing good things and loving God was going to be enough.  But why should we get rewards for being good citizens? Just because we go to church once a week, or sing in the choir, or help in the nursery doesn't mean we are doing what God wants for us.  Before you get upset, remember that I am speaking to myself as well.  I want to be more than just a good Christian. It's hard, but that's what I want.  Someday I would like to hear the Lord say, "Good job, Brent.  You did more for me than what everyone else expected."  Not because I want to be better than everyone else, but because I want to fulfill the calling on my life.  

I woke up with a thought in my head, and wrote it down (I think I can write a song about this). As I was praying this morning, I told God that "my purpose is to declare that You are Lord."  It's more than just existing.  What's your purpose?

It was like a cold glass of water thrown in my face.  It was almost as if God had issued a reminder and then continued on to issue a challenge.  It was if He was saying, "Prove it, Brent."

So here I am again, asking myself what my purpose is. But now I ask myself an even tougher question: What are you going to do about it?

Questions

Have you ever felt that you were special?  That you were meant for something greater?  Is this a feeling that everyone has?  Or is it just some of us?

What happens when that feeling goes away?  What then?  Do you just go on to live a mediocre life?  Do you stop trying to achieve?  Does it even matter?

I mean, everything happens for a reason, right?  God has the whole world in His hands, right?  Isn't He the one who controls the universe?  Didn't He put things into motion?  He knew my name before I was born didn't He?

Well then, whats the point of trying to be something great?  Why not just live your life and just see how it turns out?  Why not just let things take their course?  Why try to change the outcome?

Why?

I don't know.

Through the Clouds

Hello there.  I know that it's ben awhile since I last posted.  Please forgive me for not staying on top of this.

Life has taken me on a bit of a ride over the past few months.  Those of you who know me personally and interact with me regularly know that things have been a trip.  Even while writing this post, there are aspects of uncertainty that are circling my life.  Despite this, I know that God is a constant and that He holds my future.  With that being said, I am going to write the following words with reflection, hoping to see an aspect of this that I have failed to see before.

Lately, I've been struggling with issues of bitterness and hurt. I have become deeply confused with issues that surround my life.  There are a lot of other emotions that I have experienced within the last eight months of my life, but the two mentioned above are the ones that are the most prominent.  If you don't know what has gone on, you can read my last post, and in the fairness of it all, I'll give you an update.

Since I last wrote, my wife and I have reconciled and we are committed to each other, no matter how difficult the road ahead is.  Although we still do not agree on some stuff, we love each other and are working hard to overcome our differences. (EDIT: Ultimately, this never panned out but God has remained faithful to me nonetheless)

Because of the circumstances, I was asked to step down from my role as music pastor at the church I am involved with.  My salary was also decreased and because of this, I began employment at Staples as a Senior Certified Tech.

So that's where I'm at.  Fast Forward:

Yesterday, I went to Golden Corral with my family and while I was there I ran into the pastor of a prominent church here in Kingman.  He told me that a friend of mine had told him my "story."  I'm not sure which story he received because our conversation did not go into great detail.  I don't know that it really matters.  He went on to ask me about what my plans were for ministry and what I was doing with  my gifts.  I didn't have a real answer for that question.  He took out his business card, wrote down his cell number and told me to call him.  I've known people that aren't sincere about these gestures and are only trying to gain popularity.  I cant say the same about this man.  Everything that I have seen and heard about him was genuine.  I was intrigued.  The whole situation struck me as "strange."

This morning I text messaged a good friend of mine to let him know about what went on.  After a few texts back and forth, it came down to this:  I have a lot of emotions going around that I feel like God's voice is being clouded.

It's as if God's voice is the sun, and I am a plant that needs His light to grow.  As the storm clouds come in, I begin to loose sight of His light.  Pretty soon, the sky is darkened by clouds that are full of thunder and lightning. But more importantly, they are full of fresh pure water.  After the clouds have been hovering for awhile, the rain begins to pour.  As the water hits my body, I am reminded that this will help nourish me and help me grow stronger.  It will allow me to be rooted much deeper that I have ever been before.  All I have to is to hold on until the storm passes, so that I am not uprooted and washed away.

Once the rain stops, the clouds pass and I can see the sun. It hasn't left.  It is still in the same sky where I saw it last.  I realize now no matter how much of God's voice I hear that I will not grow without the storm.  Now thankful for the rain that once threatened my existence, I cannot wait to see the sun again.

Life.

**EDIT**
I did not write this post to make anyone look like a bad guy.  The situation that I am in is no one's fault but my own.
**EDIT**

This post might come as a shock to some of you, so please have a seat.

I am being very careful in writing the following post.  There are a lot of emotions caught up in what has been going on, but today I just want to give you the facts of my life.

Instead of trying to tell a backstory, I will just start here:

My wife has filed to divorce me.  The final explanation to this is still quite unclear.  I can tell you, however, that I am a flawed man and I would be a liar if I said that I was perfect.  There are things in my past that I am not proud of.  I have made mistakes that I am almost embarrassed to speak of.  On the other side of the coin, I have made a concerted effort to change several behaviors in my life.  Although I feel that I have come a long way from where and who I once was, it appears that I have failed in some area of my life.

Because of the situation that I am in, there will be a lot of things in my life that are changing.

For starters, I have moved out of my home and now live in a one bedroom apartment.  This is why I need to find a home for my dog.  He is very well behaved.  If you can take him, let me know.  I would prefer that he go to someone that I know well.

I will also be looking for new employment.  If you know of someone who is hiring, please let me know.

Previously, I lived in a one vehicle household.  Because of that, I did not own a car.  I recently purchased a van, but it needs a bit of work done to it.  If you are able to help me with that, I would appreciate it.

And finally, I covet your prayers.  Pray for me in anyway that the Lord brings to your mind.  I will greatly appreciate it.

If you have any questions, feel free to direct message me.

Thanks,
Brent

P.s.  I promise to make my next post cheery.  Or maybe overly sarcastic.  I don't know yet.

Navigational Error

Good afternoon.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am doing good.  There are certain things in life that I think could be going better, but it's all in the Lord's hands.

My weekend has been pretty good so far.  We are having our men's conference this weekend and I have been busy.  I'd figured I'd take a little bit of time to write about some things that have been on my heart. As always, feel free to comment on this post.

Here is a basic update about some things:

• My mom has a boyfriend - This doesn't really bother me, as I have stated before, but I have my worries.  Most of which I will keep to myself (if you are a close friend of mine, you know why I am worried).  She did tell me that she is extremely happy at this point in time.  I am very glad of that.  I've been praying for my mother to receive some joy in her life.  If this is the form that God wishes to send it, then I will not argue with the Lord.
• I sold one of my guitars - I was hesitant at first to do this, but I found a home for it with someone who I know will be good to it.
• I am tired and hungry - That's all.

I went to Vegas on Thursday because I had an appointment there.  It was the first time I had been to this office and I looked up the driving directions on Google to give myself an idea of where I was going. As I jumped in the car, I decided that I wanted to get an idea of exactly how long it would take to get to where I needed to go.  I typed the address of the office into my GPS.  Side note:  I consider the GPS to be the friend that you have who knows everything about everything.  He is right about 67% of the time, and the rest of the time he is outrageously wrong.  Take a minute to think of that person you know who is like this. That is what GPS is to me.

When I originally typed the address into Google Maps, I didn't notice what went on.  I zoomed straight into Las Vegas to see the city view.  I know how to get to Vegas.  As I was on the highway heading out of town, I realized that I had left my phone in navigation mode.  For the fun of it, I left it on.  It was something that I don't usually do because of battery life, but I wanted to go to Fry's anyway and get a car charger.

I was about 20 miles out of town when I was told to make a u-turn.  I was shocked.  I asked myself, "Does the GPS know something that I don't?  Should I take the suggested route?  Maybe there is road construction.  But I would have known about that."  So I went on.  Taking my chances I continued driving down the road.  I figured that maybe there was a glitch and that it would get it right after it recalculated the route.  I checked the GPS every ten miles seeing if it had changed it's mind.  I got about 60 miles out of town and it was still telling me to make a u-turn.

And one point in time, the GPS wanted me to take a road that wasn't clearly marked, and I'm not even sure that it existed.  I turned it off.  Obviously it wasn't going to give me an accurate estimate of  how much time until my destination.  Here's what I found out though:  Evidently, according to Google, there is a portion of non-travel-able (I've never seen so many hyphens) road on the US-93.  Look it up.  Try and change the route.  Go ahead.  When I drove into what I am now calling the Willow Beach Triangle,  Google told me that I could not find a route to my destination.  Like I had just fallen off of the face of the earth.

How many times have you listened to your friends, thinking that they should be right, only to find out that they're not?  It has happened to me on several occasions.  Sometimes we are not smart enough to think for ourselves.  And sometimes, we know what is better for us.  I've known my share of people who will tell me what I should do.  I've learned to trust God and to listen to his voice.  Had I went the direction that my GPS told me to go, I would have been late, or lost, and maybe even stranded.

Next time, use common sense, not your GPS.

Small Problems

Hello. I'm sorry that I haven't been as consistent with this as I should be.  But I am going to try and change that.  I had planned on making this post on Friday, but I got delayed.  At any rate, I'm back.  Enjoy.

Some of you may have heard that I had an uninvited guest in my house recently.  I'm not sure that I would like to post all the details about this event, but you can read the article on the Kingman Daily Miner website.  I read through the comments recently and I'm thinking a trip to Disneyland, and a German Shepherd puppy are in the works. The puppy will have to wait until the current one passes, but that might be something to look into.

But on a serious note, and maybe a bit of a humorous one, I ended up chasing this guy thorough and out of my house.  At that point in time, I was already on the phone with the 911 dispatcher for about three minutes.  Needless to say, the police were right around the corner.  As this man was running out of my house I went after him. Just to let you know, I was still in bed when my daughter alerted me of his presence.  I also sleep with a minimal amount of clothing on.  So I ran out my house barefoot and in my underwear. It was quite embarrassing as there was passing traffic while all of this was unfolding.  Looking back at it now, it is quite comical.

The part that I really want to get to has to do with having bare feet.  It's a general rule in my house that if you go into the garage, you MUST wear shoes.  I have a drill press that I use to drill through metal, and use an angle grinder on a semi-normal basis.  Although I try my best to sweep and vacuum the floor, there might be a rogue metal shaving and I don't want it ending up in anyone's foot.

But there I went.  Running through my garage with no shoes and no socks. You can guess what had happened, but I didn't realize that I had a metal sliver in my foot until late that evening.  It was a consequence of my action, but I didn't really notice right away.  In fact, I thought my shoes were giving me an issue.  I had initially inspected the bottom of my foot and hadn't found anything to constitute the pain.

The next morning, I awoke and re-examined my foot.  I knew then that it wasn't a result of bad shoes.  I twisted my leg into a precarious position in order to see the bottom of my foot more clearly.  I finally found the problem.  It took me a good part of the day and a nice body ache to extract the sliver from my foot.  But even with the added pain, the relief was great enough to make me smile.

Fast forward to yesterday-

I noticed that my daughter had a splinter in her hand.  I'm not sure of how long that it was there, but it was on the road to an infection. So my wife found the tweezers, and I went to work.  At first, my daughter was frightened at what was going to take place. She had tried to argue with us that there was nothing wrong with her hand.   She does that often.  She will say she feels fine when she is sick.  She does this so she doesn't have to go to the doctor and have to take medicine or get a shot.  But her parents know better.

My wife held her so she couldn't squirm and I continued to pull the splinter from her hand.  As I was doing this, I could feel the anxiety she had about what was going on.  It was almost heart-breaking.  Finally, I was able to pull out a disgusting looking piece of wood from her hand. As I pulled it out, I could feel the relief that went through her body.  It didn't take her long to exclaim, "That feels better!"  She even thanked me.

From that, I drew the following analogy:  We have little things in our lives that are causing us pain.  Much like my foot, these issues can crop up because we don't make good decisions.  It can even take awhile to realize where the issue lies.  Leaving our issues unchecked could possibly lead to bigger issues, like an infection.  And leaving an infection unchecked could lead to a loss of limbs, blindness, or even death.

We must realize our issues and then take them to God.  We might have to go through some pain and discomfort, but the end result will be worth it all.